Remembering a Little Trauma

Just today I was chattering away to a good friend of mine, when I stumbled upon a memory that hadn't occurred to me for some time (not in my repertoire of oft-repeated stories ;D).

It was of a time when I was 10 years old, in school, lining up with the other noisy kids getting ready to go to another classroom. I was one beat behind everyone else in catching on that it was time to look front and listen. I was talking quietly to the girl beside me. The teacher grabbed me abruptly by my ponytail and yanked me out of line - I so did not see this coming. I had to stay behind and sit in the back of the class that came in, and miss out on the exciting class the others were going to on that Friday afternoon.

I remember the humiliation distinctly - the strong message was to shut up and be invisible - I had been chosen to be the scapegoat. I was also worried about the other teacher not knowing where I was, or whether he'd find out I had been "bad" and think less of me. (In his class I had risen to number one in my class to compete in a school-wide spelling bee, but that is another story!) (And I have another ponytail story, too....)

The reality was - my report cards would repeatedly say I needed to speak up in class. My mother would read them and wonder who was the body snatcher that took her "bossy to her brothers" first-born. My mother only knew me as a leader with strong and logical opinions.

I still don't tend to see myself as, or identify with being a leader - though I can easily list a few things where I would definitely be considered a leader.

Years later, in discussing this teacher with my mom, I discovered good old Mrs. R (all the kids thought she was so crabby) had told my mother I was "university material." Ironic, because I never felt seen or appreciated by her - on the contrary, I felt like I needed to tiptoe around very carefully!

There you are - a little ruminating... pondering how we are shaped as children, and how some things can become quite deep-seated without conscious intervention. And a word to the wise in considering how to treat the children we come in contact with.

Now I specialize in helping people with their self-esteem and relationship issues - how interesting to look back on the path to where I am now...!